Around 10:30 last night, I started to miscarry. We spent four hours in the ER to confirm that we had lost our baby. I've never really known what to say to someone when they are grieving, and now, on the other side, I don't know what to say again. I know we serve a great God, with a perfect plan, but right now, I'm just feeling lost... and loss.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
State of the uterus, and first baby purchase!
I'm officially into my fourth week and there are not enough words to describe my emotions. On one hand, I'm thrilled, hopeful, and in full on baby plan mode. On the other hand, I'm nervous, worried, and afraid that something bad will happen. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life is just about perfect right now and I feel like I'm too blessed. I keep reminding myself that it's all up to God, and to trust in his plan- whether it's what I want or not. I think I have prayed more in the last week than I ever have in my life.
Physically, sometimes I feel pregnant, other times I could almost forget I am. I haven't had any morning sickness yet, just a few "uggh, my tummy doesn't feel so well" when I go too long without eating. I never used to be a big breakfast person- the extra sleep was worth more, but now I HAVE to eat something. We went to the store yesterday and stocked up on pregnancy friendly food- spinach, cucumbers, pears, bananas, lean protein, berries, yogurt, eggs- we even bought a new blender so I can make smoothies. My boobs are sore (tmi?) and not just when I poke them (definitely tmi haha).
I also think I'm developing pregnancy brain, as I forget things much faster than I ever did before. I've not put on any weight yet, but at times I feel like I'm already getting a pooch. Maybe it's just bloating, but my pants seem to fit tighter. When I tell Husband this, he sweetly tells me it's too early to be getting a belly. I sweetly tell him maybe it's twins. Seems to shut him up haha.
We bought our first baby furniture yesterday too! We're not going to open it for quite awhile yet but it was actually the dresser I had in mind (and I've been looking at baby furniture for months) AND it was $100 off. We can always return it (I heart Walmart), and we couldn't pass up that good of a deal. Here tis:
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We plan to put the changing pad on top and have it be our changer as well. I love the dark wood, and you can choose to have the drawers, or keep them open. I think we might keep the top one open and put in a basket for easy to reach stuff. What was your first baby purchase? Did any of you see a baby belly start to show this early or am I crazy?
Physically, sometimes I feel pregnant, other times I could almost forget I am. I haven't had any morning sickness yet, just a few "uggh, my tummy doesn't feel so well" when I go too long without eating. I never used to be a big breakfast person- the extra sleep was worth more, but now I HAVE to eat something. We went to the store yesterday and stocked up on pregnancy friendly food- spinach, cucumbers, pears, bananas, lean protein, berries, yogurt, eggs- we even bought a new blender so I can make smoothies. My boobs are sore (tmi?) and not just when I poke them (definitely tmi haha).
I also think I'm developing pregnancy brain, as I forget things much faster than I ever did before. I've not put on any weight yet, but at times I feel like I'm already getting a pooch. Maybe it's just bloating, but my pants seem to fit tighter. When I tell Husband this, he sweetly tells me it's too early to be getting a belly. I sweetly tell him maybe it's twins. Seems to shut him up haha.
We bought our first baby furniture yesterday too! We're not going to open it for quite awhile yet but it was actually the dresser I had in mind (and I've been looking at baby furniture for months) AND it was $100 off. We can always return it (I heart Walmart), and we couldn't pass up that good of a deal. Here tis:
We plan to put the changing pad on top and have it be our changer as well. I love the dark wood, and you can choose to have the drawers, or keep them open. I think we might keep the top one open and put in a basket for easy to reach stuff. What was your first baby purchase? Did any of you see a baby belly start to show this early or am I crazy?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
How I found out...
I tested on DPO 7, 8 and 9- all negative. I was down to only two cheapie internet pregnancy tests, and two digital tests that I heard you shouldn't use until after a missed period. So, after my BFN on DPO9, I swore I wouldn't test again until at least DPO12, which is the day before my period is supposed to start. However, I just had this feeling I was pregnant. Though, about as quickly as I would convince myself I was pregnant, I would convince myself I was not. There was no way I was that lucky, or that blessed.
That being said, I looked up which tests are most likely to detect pregnancy at 10DPO over on Fertility Friend, convinced Husband to stop by CVS (their brand reported with the highest detection rate) on the way home and didn't drink anything from 1pm-6pm. I peed in my cup, dipped the stick and threw out the sample. Soon, I got a faint line- a positive, only, it was a blue dye test, which I had read on babycenter.com that blue dye tests are famous for false positives. Cue the freaking out "am I or am I not?" In my excitement, I called Husband in and said, "Do you see the line?!?!?!?!" Husband, "Ummm, not really. Shouldn't it be as dark as the other one? Also, Is this how you were going to tell me?"
For the record, me screaming for him to come look was not the plan, but in my excitement, I forgot.
Husband does not understand that any line is a line, and any line means positive. I then proceed to call my SIL and ask her what she knows about the blue dye tests, AND I text her a pic of my positive test to see what she says about the line. It's amazing how much you second guess yourself in this process. She tells me that she definitely sees the line, but that she's also heard that blue dye tests are bad, and that I need to go get a First Response Early Response, and WHY ON EARTH DID I THROW OUT MY PEE?!? Gahh, I know, right? Dumb me.
I remember my internet cheapie test, chug two glasses of water and squeeze out about five more drops , which I dip my stick into, and swear I see the faintest little sliver of a line you've ever seen, which Husband is convinced does not exist. I go so far as to pull an old negative out of the trash to show him the difference. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At this point, I'm pretty convinced I'm pregnant. I've peed on enough sticks to see when something is different and to like I said before, I had convinced myself I was pregnant and was just waiting for a positive test. So, I went ahead with my original plan to tel Husband- I put our dog in a Big Brother shirt, pointed it out to Husband and also gave him the book What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding. A little bit anticlimactic at this point, but still fun.
I'm basking in my newly pregnant glow, but it doesn't take me long to figure out that Husband is still not convinced. So, we head to the store to pick up the First Response test. By the time I get home, my two glasses of water have caught up to me, and I put my cup to good use. However, the pee is clearly very watered down, and I even debated using at all. I figure, ehh why not, I have another for in the morning. Big fat negative.
Husband agrees it could have just been too watered down, as does the whole of babycenter.com (you know I asked their opinions haha), and asks me to wait until the morning to use the other First Response test. I did go ahead and test again around 10pm with my blue dye test just because I knew they were pretty much useless at that point, and I like dipping sticks. Big fat positive, but I know I have to wait till morning for the big one. Fast forward to 4:30am. I wake up, need to pee, but try to make myself go back to sleep. Not happening, so I pee in the cup, dip my stick, and what do ya know- the prettiest two pink lines I have ever seen:)
I know at this point Husband won't believe it until he sees a digital, and since I have two, I figure I might as well push my luck and see if I get a positive. Three very long minutes later...
That being said, I looked up which tests are most likely to detect pregnancy at 10DPO over on Fertility Friend, convinced Husband to stop by CVS (their brand reported with the highest detection rate) on the way home and didn't drink anything from 1pm-6pm. I peed in my cup, dipped the stick and threw out the sample. Soon, I got a faint line- a positive, only, it was a blue dye test, which I had read on babycenter.com that blue dye tests are famous for false positives. Cue the freaking out "am I or am I not?" In my excitement, I called Husband in and said, "Do you see the line?!?!?!?!" Husband, "Ummm, not really. Shouldn't it be as dark as the other one? Also, Is this how you were going to tell me?"
For the record, me screaming for him to come look was not the plan, but in my excitement, I forgot.
Husband does not understand that any line is a line, and any line means positive. I then proceed to call my SIL and ask her what she knows about the blue dye tests, AND I text her a pic of my positive test to see what she says about the line. It's amazing how much you second guess yourself in this process. She tells me that she definitely sees the line, but that she's also heard that blue dye tests are bad, and that I need to go get a First Response Early Response, and WHY ON EARTH DID I THROW OUT MY PEE?!? Gahh, I know, right? Dumb me.
I remember my internet cheapie test, chug two glasses of water and squeeze out about five more drops , which I dip my stick into, and swear I see the faintest little sliver of a line you've ever seen, which Husband is convinced does not exist. I go so far as to pull an old negative out of the trash to show him the difference. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At this point, I'm pretty convinced I'm pregnant. I've peed on enough sticks to see when something is different and to like I said before, I had convinced myself I was pregnant and was just waiting for a positive test. So, I went ahead with my original plan to tel Husband- I put our dog in a Big Brother shirt, pointed it out to Husband and also gave him the book What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding. A little bit anticlimactic at this point, but still fun.
I'm basking in my newly pregnant glow, but it doesn't take me long to figure out that Husband is still not convinced. So, we head to the store to pick up the First Response test. By the time I get home, my two glasses of water have caught up to me, and I put my cup to good use. However, the pee is clearly very watered down, and I even debated using at all. I figure, ehh why not, I have another for in the morning. Big fat negative.
Husband agrees it could have just been too watered down, as does the whole of babycenter.com (you know I asked their opinions haha), and asks me to wait until the morning to use the other First Response test. I did go ahead and test again around 10pm with my blue dye test just because I knew they were pretty much useless at that point, and I like dipping sticks. Big fat positive, but I know I have to wait till morning for the big one. Fast forward to 4:30am. I wake up, need to pee, but try to make myself go back to sleep. Not happening, so I pee in the cup, dip my stick, and what do ya know- the prettiest two pink lines I have ever seen:)
I know at this point Husband won't believe it until he sees a digital, and since I have two, I figure I might as well push my luck and see if I get a positive. Three very long minutes later...
Friday, June 24, 2011
Week One/Three
I wrote this entry last week, having no idea when I would actually get to post it, but hoping and praying that it would be soon. In the spirit of honesty, I actually feel a bit guilty that we were fortunate enough to conceive quickly, when I know there are so many people that struggle. I am incredibly appreciative of this pregnancy and very hopefully for a healthy baby- this is not something I take lightly at all.
June 15, 2011
IF I'm pregnant, this would be week one, or is it three- since you're considered two weeks at conception? So much for documenting every week for a memory book haha. Anyways, that is the goal- to document every week of my pregnancy to be made into a book for baby someday. Which means, that the date written at the top of this journal will change, depending on when we get pregnant. I'm guessing though, that each week leading up to the am I or am I not test will be roughly the same. Hoping, praying, and stalking my chart like crazy. No symptoms so far, I actually don't feel pregnant at all, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm not, or because it's too early to tell.
June 15, 2011
IF I'm pregnant, this would be week one, or is it three- since you're considered two weeks at conception? So much for documenting every week for a memory book haha. Anyways, that is the goal- to document every week of my pregnancy to be made into a book for baby someday. Which means, that the date written at the top of this journal will change, depending on when we get pregnant. I'm guessing though, that each week leading up to the am I or am I not test will be roughly the same. Hoping, praying, and stalking my chart like crazy. No symptoms so far, I actually don't feel pregnant at all, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm not, or because it's too early to tell.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Guess what?!?!
One month of hardcore "trying", two trips to the store (CVS & Walmart), three days of testing wayyyy to early, four months of blogging, and five positive pregnancy tests later...
More to come, but right now I'm so thrilled to tell you all that Husband and I are expecting a little one March 4, 2012. We haven't even told our parents yet, so if you know me in real life, please don't spill the beans! We are beyond excited, shocked, and thankful to have become pregnant so quickly, and we are continuing to pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I'd appreciate your prayers as well.
I AM PREGNANT!!!!!
More to come, but right now I'm so thrilled to tell you all that Husband and I are expecting a little one March 4, 2012. We haven't even told our parents yet, so if you know me in real life, please don't spill the beans! We are beyond excited, shocked, and thankful to have become pregnant so quickly, and we are continuing to pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby. I'd appreciate your prayers as well.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
What I bought today...
This book...
And... 40 more ovulation predictor kits and 50 pregnancy tests. Because I have no self control and have tested at 7DPO, 8DPO and 9DPO. All negative. And I'm down to about 5 OPKs. What can I say? I'm a pee on a stick addict. I know I'm not completely out this month, but I figure if I'm preggo, I can give my sticks to someone else when I know they're trying, and I'll only be out like $15. Amazon is sooo much cheaper than tests at my local stores. So why did I buy the book as well, since as far as I know, I'm not knocked up?
Because it was free shipping for orders over $25 and I figure I'll need it eventually. Lets hope I need it sooner rather than later.
And... 40 more ovulation predictor kits and 50 pregnancy tests. Because I have no self control and have tested at 7DPO, 8DPO and 9DPO. All negative. And I'm down to about 5 OPKs. What can I say? I'm a pee on a stick addict. I know I'm not completely out this month, but I figure if I'm preggo, I can give my sticks to someone else when I know they're trying, and I'll only be out like $15. Amazon is sooo much cheaper than tests at my local stores. So why did I buy the book as well, since as far as I know, I'm not knocked up?
Because it was free shipping for orders over $25 and I figure I'll need it eventually. Lets hope I need it sooner rather than later.
Monday, June 20, 2011
The Two Week Wait
Over on BabyCenter.com, there are groups called "I Hate the TWW", "The Dreaded TWW", etc. And now I know why. Two weeks seems like forever when you're waiting to test to see if you are pregnant.
Every twinge makes me wonder, is that an early symptom? I think I'm making things up in my head hoping for something that says, "Yep, you're pregnant," since it's too early for me to test. Honestly, I don't think I really have any symptoms at all, which makes me think this is not our month. Actual conversation with Husband the other day:
Me: "Maybe I'm pregnant, my boobs have been hurting- but only if I poke them."
Husband: "Why on earth are you poking your boobs?"
Me: "Because I want to be pregnant, dangit."
I keep telling myself that not everyone has symptoms, and that I should stop wishing stuff on myself that I'll be wishing away later. For example, nausea. Right now I'd probably be excited if I was feeling sick to my stomach. If I'm actually pregnant, I'm hoping morning sickness will skip right on by my house.
Did any of you not have any symptoms, but still end up pregnant? Also, how early did you start testing?
Every twinge makes me wonder, is that an early symptom? I think I'm making things up in my head hoping for something that says, "Yep, you're pregnant," since it's too early for me to test. Honestly, I don't think I really have any symptoms at all, which makes me think this is not our month. Actual conversation with Husband the other day:
Me: "Maybe I'm pregnant, my boobs have been hurting- but only if I poke them."
Husband: "Why on earth are you poking your boobs?"
Me: "Because I want to be pregnant, dangit."
I keep telling myself that not everyone has symptoms, and that I should stop wishing stuff on myself that I'll be wishing away later. For example, nausea. Right now I'd probably be excited if I was feeling sick to my stomach. If I'm actually pregnant, I'm hoping morning sickness will skip right on by my house.
Did any of you not have any symptoms, but still end up pregnant? Also, how early did you start testing?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Randoms
1. Blogger STILL thinks I'm a spammer, so please, please, please, check your spam folder for comments from yours truly. Even people that have already marked my comments as "not spam" are still having problems with my comments coming through.
2. I thought my basal body thermometer was broken because my thermal shift was so darn slow after ovulation, but it wasn't. Maybe a weird pattern this cycle means I'm preggo?
3. I want a Macbook Pro and a new camera bag. I have enough money in my photography account to buy one, but I'm trying to save that money for if we get pregnant soon so I can have a fabulous nursery as seen in some of my Nursery Inspiration posts here and here.
4. I've decided when and how to tell Husband and other family about a future pregnancy, but I'm not sure when to let the general world in on the secret- or when to take this blog to un-anonymous. I'm thinking it will need to wait until I'm ready for my work to know- so maybe right before I go into labor?
2. I thought my basal body thermometer was broken because my thermal shift was so darn slow after ovulation, but it wasn't. Maybe a weird pattern this cycle means I'm preggo?
3. I want a Macbook Pro and a new camera bag. I have enough money in my photography account to buy one, but I'm trying to save that money for if we get pregnant soon so I can have a fabulous nursery as seen in some of my Nursery Inspiration posts here and here.
4. I've decided when and how to tell Husband and other family about a future pregnancy, but I'm not sure when to let the general world in on the secret- or when to take this blog to un-anonymous. I'm thinking it will need to wait until I'm ready for my work to know- so maybe right before I go into labor?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Baby Bucket list update
Well, no big news on the baby front. Still too early to tell if we got lucky this month.
Actually, Husband got lucky a lot this month haha.
In other news, we acre crossing things off on our Baby Bucket list! While I don't know that #1 will ever be crossed off, we did take our trip to DC, which was a blast! I will do a post about our trip once I can share pictures without blowing this whole anonymous blog out of the water.
Paying off our vehicle was #2- DONE and #4 was done before I even put up our list! Researching and purchasing life insurance was #7- we've researched, but will not actually purchase until we are actually pregnant. I purchased a new camera, which has video capabilities, so #8 is DONE as well! Fixing up the house/yard (#9) is also a constant work in progress, but we are a lot further on that sucker than we were a few months ago. Again, I don't feel like I can share pictures without giving everything away, I will be sure to do so once our baby plans are public knowledge!
This leaves #3, #5, #6, and another ongoing- #10. I have been taking prenatals regularly, but I have not been working out, and I've only moderately cut back on sushi (I'm dreading giving it up while preggo so I've been justifying it on a regular basis). I did almost completely cut out coffee, but I snuck a cup this morning. Husband was up late last night working on our house and mentioned that he was craving coffee this morning, so I decided to be a good wife and make a pot. I just couldn't resist the deliciousness. #5 and #6 feel like moving targets and #10 is a lot like 1- we'll never have enough couple time.
I'm actually surprised at how much we've accomplished in just a few short months. Deadlines have always been a good motivator for Husband and I. What motivates your family?
Actually, Husband got lucky a lot this month haha.
In other news, we acre crossing things off on our Baby Bucket list! While I don't know that #1 will ever be crossed off, we did take our trip to DC, which was a blast! I will do a post about our trip once I can share pictures without blowing this whole anonymous blog out of the water.
Paying off our vehicle was #2- DONE and #4 was done before I even put up our list! Researching and purchasing life insurance was #7- we've researched, but will not actually purchase until we are actually pregnant. I purchased a new camera, which has video capabilities, so #8 is DONE as well! Fixing up the house/yard (#9) is also a constant work in progress, but we are a lot further on that sucker than we were a few months ago. Again, I don't feel like I can share pictures without giving everything away, I will be sure to do so once our baby plans are public knowledge!
This leaves #3, #5, #6, and another ongoing- #10. I have been taking prenatals regularly, but I have not been working out, and I've only moderately cut back on sushi (I'm dreading giving it up while preggo so I've been justifying it on a regular basis). I did almost completely cut out coffee, but I snuck a cup this morning. Husband was up late last night working on our house and mentioned that he was craving coffee this morning, so I decided to be a good wife and make a pot. I just couldn't resist the deliciousness. #5 and #6 feel like moving targets and #10 is a lot like 1- we'll never have enough couple time.
I'm actually surprised at how much we've accomplished in just a few short months. Deadlines have always been a good motivator for Husband and I. What motivates your family?
Friday, June 10, 2011
Pinterest love...
Like many of you out there, I have recently discovered Pinterest. I love it. LOVE IT. It's an awesome place to sort and save ideas, and it's a breeding ground for creativity. If you get a chance, head over there and check it out. Feel free to follow me, or let me know your name on there so I can follow you!
Mama Needs Sushi on Pinterest.
Mama Needs Sushi on Pinterest.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I want it now.
I keep reminding myself that it is fine if we don't get pregnant our first month trying. I know that if we did, we would be the exception, not the rule. I know that there are a lot of women out there that try month after month and still aren't pregnant. I know that we have plenty of time in our window of time to conceive, and that financially, we'd probably be better off if it does take a few months.
But I want it now. I think part of it may be that since the day we decided we would move up our timeline, we've been dreaming and planning and waiting to have a little one. And all of the lead up, going off birth control, taking prenatal vitamins, charting... it feels like we've been at this a lot longer than we really have been.
I know I sound like a complainer, and probably even like a whiny little brat- "I want it now". So I'm praying for patience, and I'm praying that things happen in God's time, and not mine. And if God's time is different than mine, I pray again for patience, and acceptance.
But the brat inside of me is stomping her foot and insisting on getting her way.
But I want it now. I think part of it may be that since the day we decided we would move up our timeline, we've been dreaming and planning and waiting to have a little one. And all of the lead up, going off birth control, taking prenatal vitamins, charting... it feels like we've been at this a lot longer than we really have been.
I know I sound like a complainer, and probably even like a whiny little brat- "I want it now". So I'm praying for patience, and I'm praying that things happen in God's time, and not mine. And if God's time is different than mine, I pray again for patience, and acceptance.
But the brat inside of me is stomping her foot and insisting on getting her way.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The next step!
Today is Husband and I's five year anniversary of dating. We don't really celebrate this date, other than saying "Happy Anniversary", but today is also pretty special for another reason. After months of talking, and planning, and sharing all of my crazy thoughts and fears on the road to trying to conceive, we are officially trying. Part of me is convinced that this process will take awhile, the other part of me is thinking I'll be getting a positive test in a few weeks. Husband has said he hopes we get pregnant next month, I think he's liking the idea of an extra month of trying:) While I'm perfectly fine with that, I'd also love to get pregnant our first month trying so we can move on to the next stage off all of this AND because if Baby Center's due date calculator is correct, our due date would be 5 years to the day of when we got engaged!
Yes, that's right, we got engaged after only 9 months of dating. What can I say? When you know, you know. Obviously whenever we get pregnant, and whenever our little one is due will be a special time for us, so like I said, I'm perfectly fine with whatever timeline God decides to give us. But, if you have any extra time this week, send a prayer or two our way?
Yes, that's right, we got engaged after only 9 months of dating. What can I say? When you know, you know. Obviously whenever we get pregnant, and whenever our little one is due will be a special time for us, so like I said, I'm perfectly fine with whatever timeline God decides to give us. But, if you have any extra time this week, send a prayer or two our way?
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